First off, holy hell! I can’t believe I haven’t blogged since May. I MUST do better! Where has the time gone? And THAT question leads me to the topic of my blog today.
This morning I heard a rock song that made me realize I am getting old. It wasn’t a 70’s or 80’s tune that made me think of my childhood or teenage years. It wasn’t even a 90’s tune that reminded me of my fun, hard rockin party days from my 20’s. It was a song I played in the early 2000’s while at a rock station in Columbia, S.C. It was a song, and band, I hadn’t thought about in a long time. The song stuck in my head all morning. I went to YouTube and watched the video for the song. Then, I wondered what happened to the band, so I Googled them. THAT is when it hit me.
After Googling the band members, and seeing how they had aged, I wondered if I looked as old. I mean, I’m aware of the lines on my face, the gray hair, and the pops my body makes when I move. But for the first time ever, I wondered if what I see daily in the mirror is what others see. Now, some of the guys in this band had major drug issues, which I know has contributed to their aging. I’ve been lucky in that regard. Never was a druggie. And yet, I couldn’t shake this overwhelming feeling of time lost.
2001 is when the band Tantric released the song “Astounded”. I remember discussing on-air, while a part of the “S&M Morning Show”, that the drummer of the band was my rock star boyfriend. A running joke on the air. This was around 2003/2004. I had a big crush on the drummer. Tantric played a show for the station around that time. I was dating my now second ex husband. I remember a listener asking me if I was still with the Tantric drummer….he really thought the drummer was my boyfriend. Bless.
It’s now 2018. I can remember 2003/2004 like it was yesterday. It hit me today how many years have passed. And it hit me HARD. I had a bit of an anxiety attack. I got dizzy, and my stomach felt like I was on a rollercoaster. When did I become old? What happened? How is it 2018? I left work, and drove home in a fog, seeing snapshots of my life in my head. It was an odd, and unsettling feeling.
People say age is just a number, and in some aspects, I believe that is true. I think I’ve aged ok. I’m not saying I’m not happy with who I am. I have fun, and if I date, I usually date men that are younger. People tell me I look like I’m in my 30’s, and I appreciate it! But today it felt like reality just smacked me in the face. And it hit HARD. As my 48th birthday approaches, the thought of the years that have past, made me sad. And I can’t even explain why. I think for the first time, in a long time, I recognized how much craziness I’ve endured over the last 15 years. It’s funny; when I turned 40, I didn’t freak out. 45 didn’t really phase me. But the thought of turning 48 is making me a bit of a wreck.
Instead of asking myself where the time went, I need to focus on what I plan to do with my time that’s left. Or my doc needs to double my anxiety meds. Maybe both! 😏😉
May 2018 bring you serenity, happiness, and joy! Rock on! 🤘Mel