Family, Friends & Failure

I am not the smartest person.  I can acknowledge that I am guilty of making “emotional decisions.”  Emotional decisions are made when you’re unhappy or angry.  I’m sure I’m not the only person like this but man it can be hard to deal with.  My whole radio career was based on emotional decisions. I had a strong love for the business which prompted me to give my work all I had. I made sacrifices, I worked for free, I worked long hours, I taught myself how to do almost every job & I put up with a ton of bullshit.  Comes with the territory to a degree.  Being a chick in rock radio is hard.  You have to prove yourself.  Radio is and always will be a boys club. I thought if I worked hard enough & proved I was worthy I’d be a rock star.  Nope.

Now don’t misunderstand me.  I AM the one that wanted to be successful in radio. I AM the one that put up with the crap.  I AM the one that stayed in the biz for years.  I’m not trying to be a whiny bitch.  I am the one that made decisions regarding my profession…some good & some not so good.  I can’t change my decisions but I can look back & realize my mistakes. I realize I’m harder on myself than anyone else is.  I realize I’m harder on others at times because I expect them to have my standards.  Life doesn’t work that way.

I left Columbia, SC at the end of April.  I was miserable there and had been for over a year.  When my lease was up I knew it was time to bail. Columbia has great people but the station I was working for was a mess.  A BIG mess.  Luck has been with me lots in radio….I’ve never been fired for performance, I’ve picked the places I wanted to work (Charlotte & Columbia are it) & I’ve snagged free concert tickets for years! Bonus!  But when you see a ship sinking you have two options:  Sink with it or jump off & swim.  I’m a swimmer.

Leaving Columbia without a solid plan was NOT smart.  I packed my stuff & moved to Wilmington.  I figured when I moved I’d be able to snag a job quick.  Not necessarily a radio job but a job that would allow me to provide for myself.  I fucked up.  Sadly my mind is WAY younger than my body.  I thought at the very least I could wait tables/bartend to support myself.  I tried & failed.  I have some physical issues that did not respond well to waiting tables.  In simpler terms…my body is OLD!

I’ve been in Wilmington two months.  I’m past broke, jobless & feel like a huge failure. Yes. Yes I know it took balls to leave an unhappy situation, pack up & move. But it also took a degree of stupidity.  I should have planned better.  I didn’t & now feel like a loser. I’ve worked since I was 15 years old. There have been two times in my life that I was out of work for more than a few weeks.  THIS is one of those times.  Not good.

To make matters worse, I had an accident at a grocery store a few days ago.  I injured my knee badly.  Walking is still difficult. Being injured & living in a place without close friends & family is hard.  There’s a chance I’m going to need knee surgery…AGAIN.  I can’t handle it on my own.  And you have NO IDEA how hard that sentence was to type!  😀   Admitting weaknesses is extremely hard for me.

I am stubborn & very independent.   I always have been.  I don’t ask for help & I have a problem accepting help. Now the smart me KNOWS that everyone needs help at some point.  The ego me HATES that I can’t handle everything on my own.  UGH!  That’s what my brain says…..UGH!   Putting my devil tail between my legs & admitting defeat sucks. I hate feeling this way.  But at the moment my options are slim.

My father called me Friday & told me he thinks I should come home.  He said I could live with him.  Those of you that know me well & know my family know that this is NOT usual behavior from my Dad.  That’s not a slam!  My Dad is just not very emotional.  For him to offer me a place to live for a few months is a big deal.  Part of me is relieved & thankful. The other part of me is ashamed that I can’t seem to make it here.  I’m 46 years old & seem to be failing at life at the moment. Embarrassing.  Total buzzkill.  Moving home seems like it may be my only option right now.  I think I can find work easier at home since I know lots of people. And if I’m home I’ll be around family & friends.

As I get older I realize the importance of family & friends.  My family has never been close. We aren’t the family that has Sunday dinner together every week.  We’ve never been like that. I won’t get into all my family stuff (it’ll be in the book) but let’s just say we aren’t The Cleavers.  😉  But I love my family.  I will say that I’m lucky to have some amazing friends!  My closest friends I’ve been friends with for YEARS. And I mean YEARS.  That said I’m starting to realize that skipping family events over the years because of work was wrong. Not attending parties & events with my friends because of work duties was wrong.  As my parents age  & as I age I’m realizing what the important things in life are.  I need to appreciate my parents & “know” them as much as I can right now.  I need to focus less on a “career” and focus more on smiles.  Sadly I’m the type of person that has to enjoy what I do so I have to find a job that’s right for me.  BUT I now get that what I do does not make me WHO I am.

I’m sure most people figured all this kinda stuff out YEARS ago.  I can be a slow learner sometimes.  Mistakes…..they happen.  They’ll always happen.  I just need to figure out a way to not let my mistakes control my life.  I need to realize that “failing” happens to everyone.  I need to be ok with that.  And I need to be ok with needing help.

Life.  Sometimes it gives you an atomic wedgie.  You just gotta readjust & keep on rockin.

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