Unless you’re really close to me you won’t know this. Lord knows I do my best to keep it hidden. Ya ready? I am REALLY insecure. I mean REALLY insecure. I know…right?! Me? Yep. Totally true.
All of us have insecurities. I have numerous ones for numerous reasons. The one I wanna chat about today is a professional insecurity. Now I think I’m good at what I do. I spent hours upon hours at the radio station learning and working for free when I first got into the business. I taught myself lots and tried to learn every facet of the radio business. When I decided I wanted to go on the air I took ANY job that would give me mic time. I’ve held every job in radio except sales. I’ve been a receptionist, a promotions assistant, promotions director & a production director. I’ve done traffic, overnights, nights, middays, mornings & now I do afternoons. I’m smart and I know my shit when it comes to my profession. As far as the radio biz goes, I’m relatively secure about my abilities.
What I’m insecure about is my humor. I’ve never really thought I was “funny.” When I was in middle school I always felt awkward. I hung out with the traditionally pretty girls and I’ve never really fit that mold. I was always the chick that guys thought of as a little sister. Hell, I’m still that way. Since I always felt like a bit of an outsider I learned to use humor. I used it as a shield so I didn’t have to deal with my insecurities. It was a way to get attention since I wasn’t really traditionally pretty.
As I got older I learned I was relatively bright and learned that my “funny” was what was called sarcasm. I went through lots of bullshit during my high school years and sarcasm probably helped me get through it. I know it helped me get through it. I could hide my feelings within my sarcasm. And lots of booze but that’s a whole other story.
Once I became “known” in radio people kept telling me I was funny. Not just the folks I worked with but guests that came into the studio. I mean like REAL celebrities. I always thought they were just being polite. I’ve been told I should do stand-up comedy, do YouTube videos, have my own podcast yada yada yada……………. Even my friends, the ones that know the REAL me, tell me I’m funny. I just can’t seem to believe it.
Here’s the thing…..I’m scared. I’m scared of failing. I’m scared I’m not really that good. I’m scared I’m gonna try and just totally embarrass myself. I’m just scared. Fear is a real ball buster! Now I REALIZE if I don’t try then I’ve already failed. My brain can process that thought. And yet….there’s FEAR! I’ve had some pretty big “FAILS” in life….mostly personal….but man they can jack your head all up!
Last week I showed a video to my roomie. It was the “Tiny Hamster 4th Video” I found on YouTube. This hamster has a slew of videos. They are freakin’ adorable. In this video the hamster & his friends are having a cookout to celebrate the 4th. Google it….it’s so worth 4 minutes of your time. So, anyway, I’m showing this video to my roomie and we get to the end. Now when I originally watched the video I didn’t see the very end. At the end of the video there’s an ad for Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil. Yep. I look at my roomie and scream “This effin’ hamster has a sponsor.” Yes. YES! There’s a hamster on YouTube making more money than me AND he has a sponsor. Blew my mind. Now I realize there are lots of jacknuts on YouTube making a shit ton of loot for being totally useless. I mean, I don’t get it. There’s a broad that made around $6 MILLION last year cause she plays with Disney toys on YouTube. YES…you read that right. Ya don’t see her face, she has this soothing type voice and she plays with kids toys. Apparently children love her. ??????????????? HUH?
Here I am, sitting on my ass, wasting time and NOT trying because of fear. FEAR. THERE’S A HAMSTER THAT HAS A SPONSOR. A NATIONAL SPONSOR. Holy Hell! THAT is it!!! I gotta try now! I mean, if a hamster can secure attention and make cash from a nationally known product then I gotta be able to generate some type of draw, right? A FUCKING HAMSTER! And yes…yes…I realize the hamster didn’t decide to video tape himself. I get that the hamster’s owner is the brilliant one. But still……………it’s a HAMSTER!!! A small rat.
If I let fear consume me then I’m finished before I start. I know that. I can grasp that. And yet, I’m still scared. Why is it the negative things people have said to you in life stick in your head? Even when the positives outweigh the few negatives, it’s the bad things that stay in your brain. I have to override that shit. I have to let the negatives go. I have to try.
I cannot let a HAMSTER kick my ass!!! Tonight, on my bathroom mirror, I wrote “HAMSTER HAS A SPONSOR” Stupid? Probably. Will it motivate me? God I hope so. I can’t look at the aluminum foil in my pantry without thinking a fucking hamster is taking money from me. DAMNIT!
A hamster has a sponsor. I’m gonna see that every morning when I wake up and try. I have to. A hamster has a sponsor……………………..holy hell I hope this helps. A hamster has a sponsor………………….