Sadness. Loss. Death. I don’t handle any of them well. My best friend, we’ll call her “TK” lost her Mom last week. She died of cancer. This friend also watched her Dad suffer and die from cancer 10 years ago. Her parents were so very good to me. I think I spent at least half my life at her parent’s home. Her parents always knew about “drama” in my life (you’ll have to wait for the book) and I have amazing memories of them both. They were kind, fun, generous and loving people.
I attended the funeral of my “TK’s” Mom this past weekend. It hit me harder than I thought it would. Obviously I was upset for my friend, her family and for all of her Mom’s friends. But I was also upset because the death of this awesome woman made me realize my own mortality. It made realize that at some point, I will lose my parents. It made me think of my own life. I don’t cry lots….mostly because I don’t like to deal with certain emotions….I am quite aware of my character flaws. Crying happened on Saturday. And not only did crying happen but I felt like I couldn’t stop. Yet another reason I don’t like to cry….scared I won’t be able to stop. (Again….wait for the book)
I sat five rows back in the church from my friend. I could see her and her three boys as the funeral service took place. I thought about “TK’s” strength. I thought about all the things she’s gone through over the past few years. Memories of us in high school ran through my head. I’ve know “TK” most of my life…since around the age of two. I moved away at the age of four when my parents divorced. We were “friends” always but we really became crazy close in high school. As the pastor discussed “TK’s” Mom I remembered all the times I spent the night at her house. I thought of the many Christmases I spent with her family. I could hear her Dad’s voice in my head, giving me a hard time cause that’s just how he was. I could hear her Mom’s voice asking us if we were hungry. SO many things ran through my head. “TK’s” family was truly like my second family. They always welcomed me, they were always kind and they never judged me.
The loss of this woman made me think. “TK’s” Mom was always involved in numerous organizations & charities. She was just the type of woman that loved to help others. As long as I knew her she would “do” for others….never being selfish….always thinking of the people around her. I thought about family. Every family has issues but “TK’s” family did things together. Maybe I loved it so much at her house because my house was so different.
The pastor continued to discuss the wonders of “TK’s” Mom and I thought about losing my parents. My Mom attended the funeral with me. We are so very close now but that didn’t happen til I was around 21. I look to her for answers weekly if not daily. I thought about not being able to call her and ask for advice. The tears continued to pour out of my eyes.
My own life and my own decisions raced through my brain. I should do more, I should be more, I should help more. Am I supposed to be doing something else with my life? Will I ever find a love like “TK’s” parents OR will I die alone a crazy dog lady? I don’t have kids….I can’t….so I won’t have kids to take care of me. I thought about all the insanity I’ve been through in my life. My mind just went nuts. Different events from different times in my life rolled through my brain like a movie.
It’s weird to suddenly realize that your life, that anyone’s life, can change so quickly. I’ve had other friends lose parents but this death hit me quite hard. Maybe it’s because I was so close to “TK” and her family. Maybe because for the first time in my life I really looked at my own life. Not sure but I do know this………….certain things in my life need to change. Certain things in my life WILL change. I haven’t figured it all out yet but I do know that I have to let go of the fear that is holding me back from things. Life is too short.