Loss & Losing It……………

Sadness.  Loss.  Death.   I don’t handle any of them well.  My best friend, we’ll call her “TK” lost her Mom last week.  She died of cancer.  This friend also watched her Dad suffer and die from cancer 10 years ago. Her parents were so very good to me.  I think I spent at least half my life at her parent’s home. Her parents always knew about “drama” in my life (you’ll have to wait for the book) and I have amazing memories of them both. They were kind, fun, generous and loving people.

I attended the funeral of my “TK’s” Mom this past weekend.  It hit me harder than I thought it would.  Obviously I was upset for my friend, her family and for all of her Mom’s friends.  But I was also upset because the death of this awesome woman made me realize my own mortality. It made realize that at some point, I will lose my parents.  It made me think of my own life.   I don’t cry lots….mostly because I don’t like to deal with certain emotions….I am quite aware of my character flaws.  Crying happened on Saturday.  And not only did crying happen but I felt like I couldn’t stop.   Yet another reason I don’t like to cry….scared I won’t be able to stop.  (Again….wait for the book)

I sat five rows back in the church from my friend.  I could see her and her three boys as the funeral service took place.   I thought about “TK’s” strength.  I thought about all the things she’s gone through over the past few years.  Memories of us in high school ran through my head.  I’ve know “TK” most of my life…since around the age of two.  I moved away at the age of four when my parents divorced.  We were “friends” always but we really became crazy close in high school.  As the pastor discussed “TK’s” Mom I remembered all the times I spent the night at her house.  I thought of the many Christmases I spent with her family.  I could hear her Dad’s voice in my head, giving me a hard time cause that’s just how he was.  I could hear her Mom’s voice asking us if we were hungry. SO many things ran through my head.  “TK’s” family was truly like my second family.  They always welcomed me, they were always kind and they never judged me.

The loss of this woman made me think.  “TK’s” Mom was always involved in numerous organizations & charities.  She was just the type of woman that loved to help others.  As long as I knew her she would “do” for others….never being selfish….always thinking of the people around her.   I thought about family.  Every family has issues but “TK’s” family did things together. Maybe I loved it so much at her house because my house was so different.

The pastor continued to discuss the wonders of “TK’s” Mom and I thought about losing my parents.  My Mom attended the funeral with me.  We are so very close now but that didn’t happen til I was around 21.  I look to her for answers weekly if not daily.  I thought about not being able to call her and ask for advice.  The tears continued to pour out of my eyes.

My own life and my own decisions raced through my brain.  I should do more, I should be more, I should help more. Am I supposed to be doing something else with my life? Will I ever find a love like “TK’s” parents OR will I die alone a crazy dog lady?  I don’t have kids….I can’t….so I won’t have kids to take care of me. I thought about all the insanity I’ve been through in my life. My mind just went nuts.  Different events from different times in my life rolled through my brain like a movie.

It’s weird to suddenly realize that your life, that anyone’s life, can change so quickly.  I’ve had other friends lose parents but this death hit me quite hard.  Maybe it’s because I was so close to “TK” and her family.  Maybe because for the first time in my life I really looked at my own life.  Not sure but I do know this………….certain things in my life need to change. Certain things in my life WILL change. I haven’t figured it all out yet but I do know that I have to let go of the fear that is holding me back from things.  Life is too short.

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7 thoughts on “Loss & Losing It……………

  1. Death is a hard thing. Things race through your mind like crazy. You are not alone!! i lost all my family within the last 15 years. Thank god i have my daughter. The latest was dec 21st of last year..my brother. In may i also lost my oldest brother. Both died horrible deaths. Its hard to comprehend death. Grief is a personal thing which is experienced differenty for everyone. Its good to cry. Dont hold it in! i am very sorry for your loss and love your parents while they are still here!! ❤

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  2. Mel I can so relate I also don’t have kids, can’t have any either, my thoughts exactly who will take care of me when I am old. Divorced, Single, not a good relationship with my mom in the late teen years, although we share a residence now almost out of necessity, we also got closer when I was about 21 to… Are you sure your not telling my story? I also can’t fathom the thought of not being able to talk to her. My biological father just passed away in 2013 and I never knew him until I was 26 I found him. I also wonder if I could ever find that kind of love one day… Life is definately to darn short! When you figure out how to let go of that “fear” please share I also feel the same kind of fear… You are not alone in your trials of life there are more of us out here going through the exact same life experiences! Yes write that book!! I am also so sorry for your loss of an amazing woman whom deaply affected your life, may you find comfort, peace and love!

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  3. Melanie, This was a beautifully written and very heartfelt note. It is very hard to see someone we know and love hurting. As you know or may not know, I lost both my parents early on and it is a pain that is honestly indescribable. I believe the love you felt and the pain you felt at your friends passing is exactly the pain I felt. You could be a author. No joke. Your passion and love for this family is very evident. I sincerely pray that God comforts you and that you let him guide you on the path you need to be on. While I may not know you on a deep personal level, You will never know how much I look forward to your post. You are honest and I for one appreciate this. May God send his holy spirit to comfort you in the days and weeks ahead. In Christ love. Robin.

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  4. So I just happened to follow you on Twitter and saw the web page and started reading and can’t stop. This is is such an insight to you as a person. Throwing your vulnerability out there. I’m 38. Im singe. My parents are both in their mid 70s. I live at home with them and see the age progressing. There are those times when I have the thoughts about them getting older and realizing they won’t always be here. My brother and I talk about this often. He’s older and lives in Fort Mill. He says try to think about the good times. As far as wanting to get out and do more there are so many out there that would love to have someone with your heart help. Thank you for opening up and being vulnerable. We’re all here for you. Sending big hugs!

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